I think it is generally agreed upon that moving around the halls of North Atlanta is probably the slowest and most inefficient form of transportation in existence (closely rivaled by unicycles and Amtrak). The stairs are incredibly sluggish and involve so much awkward bumping and touching that I’m surprised the entire school doesn’t have every known communicable disease by now. And using the elevator is basically a coin flip between a quick, but cramped ride and having to wait literally until the end of time itself for your metal box to appear. That’s why I am proposing a new flawless idea that will solve all of NAHS’s transportation woes and that solution is the escalator.

I mean think about it. Escalators are simply the best way to get around any building. They provide the efficiency of stairs with the inherent laziness of an elevator. It’s genius. We should just place those things all around the school and all of its problems will be solved in an instant. First off, their tiny contained spaces make it virtually impossible for someone to be trampling you while you are trying to get to another floor. Additionally the energy you save from not walking everywhere could be spent doing schoolwork instead. I mean we all know the sole source of classroom inattentiveness is the fact that that we are so tired from climbing up those stairs. And plus they really are roughly 56.78970% cooler than any other way of commuting across a building.

Sure these escalators could malfunction resulting in a few broken bones and traumatic head injuries, but it’s frankly an acceptable casualty rate for the benefits we get in return. People might complain about the cost of such an endeavor, but I mean it’s not like Atlanta Public Schools has anything better to spend their money on. Money for textbooks? Pshaw! What we need is escalators!

In fact, I’d go a step further. Why not just replace all the flooring in the halls with moving sidewalks as well then we really wouldn’t have to move anywhere? And I mean sure that would cost a lot more, but we could make up the cost by replacing all the teachers with Bill Nye videos and kahoot sessions, I mean they basically serve the same function. So for these reasons I implore you North Atlanta administration or APS or whatever organization actually runs this school (Illuminati?) please listen to the demands of the people and install these escalators and I am confident the quality of this school will escalate extremely quickly.