Global Warming. Ebola. Nuclear Annihilation. Selfies. Thanks to these catastrophic threats the future of the human race constantly hangs in the balance and yet none of these can come close to the sheer destruction that can be caused by the depraved anarchists known only as the bannister sliders.These lawless adrenaline junkies plague our school with sheer chaos sliding down the bannisters (metal handrails on staircases) of every staircase in sight, risking not only their lives, but also all those around them and just for a momentary thrill or a speedier passage down the many floors of our great school.

If it is not obvious already bannister sliding is an incredibly dangerous activity. When a student (or teacher) slides down the bannister they reach speeds that are comparable to sprinting, but the major difference between these two activities is that when somebody slides they must rely on their balance to stay steady. This is something that is incredibly difficult to maintain with the literal tons of homework that is stored inside of students backpacks. Another factor is the riots that occur in the staircases which make it near impossible to navigate without awkwardly ramming into somebody. These two issues combined put the slider at a much higher risk of a fatal fall. As should be obvious to everyone; a failed bannister slide can be incredibly harmful. When somebody falls from a bannister they most likely will hit their head on the concrete in an impact that could cause complete cranial obliteration. Something that is too complex to explain, but I assure you is not pretty in any sense of the word (unless you’re some crazy injury obsessed weirdo). Falling can also threaten all those around a slider. This is because sliders can knock into bystanders causing they too to experience the non prettiness of complete cranial obliteration.

I hope I have convinced anybody brave enough to slide on the banisters to cease their evil acts and if not I beg you to see the light. Please stop participating in this deadly recreation. Perhaps pick up another more mild and safe hobby like street racing, cliff diving, or crocodile wrestling. Heed these warnings I have given you for the fate of of North Atlanta or for that matter the entire human race could be in your hands, legs, and whatever other obscure body part you use to slide down those accursed bannisters.