10.) Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer – Matt Nathanson Version

This song has exploited the plight of some unfortunate, now unsightly, elderly woman. Such debauchery is certainly not appreciated, and the evidence itself is flimsy. Follow the Wire for updates on Grandma’s condition.

9.) Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – The Jackson 5 version

Breaking news! Santa Claus is coming to town! Unlike most PSAs, this one is greatly needed and appreciated, equally informative and musical, and far from bland. I feel compelled not to pout, cry, or shout.

8.) Please Come Home For Christmas – Eagles

Peak Dad-music, this piece is so good you’ll wish you could play it all year. You’ll be heartsick just listening to it, but you’ll feel immense gratitude for those you love.

7.) Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree – Brenda Lee

Another classic, this raucous beat is merry without being excessive, and fun without being over-the-top. Though there are always new old-fashioned ways, it remains relevant. Johnny Marks, its writer, who captured the essence of the secular Christmas celebration, was Jewish. This fact is little known but unsurprising, considering the Christ-child was as well. 

6.) Holy Night – Jennifer Nettles version

Georgia native Jennifer Nettles is not the first to sing it, but she injects robust energy into Silent Night’s lesser-known but darling cousin. Holy Night is a goose-bump-inducing banger.

5.) Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – Darlene Love

This is the single most underrated Christmas song after The Little Drummer Boy. Love sings like she needs to cry, but listeners feel like they need to dance.

4.) Carol of the Bells – Mykola Leontovych

This song has no words, but it takes just one to describe it: Epic.

3.) I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas – Gayla Peevey

In a music genre dominated by passionate love songs and solemn religious ones, I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas is a welcome and silly reprieve. The absurd request might highlight the imaginative possibilities of Christmas or serve as a metaphor for insatiable desire and the evils of capitalism. Or maybe, it gets back to what Christmas is really about- possessions!

2.) Last Christmas – Wham

With a recognizable opening and timeless beat, Last Christmas has occupied the American consciousness for decades. Singer George Michael has a soulful voice- restrained in its timidity yet truly sorrowful, someone who has indeed been once bitten but is coming back for more, just like his listeners!

1.) All I Want For Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey

Composed in less than fifteen minutes, this song came to singer Mariah Carey and producer Walter Afanasieff as the angels appeared to Joseph in a dream- miraculously. With a slow start that quickly becomes a tempo pace and a bridge that will knock the stockings off the mantelpiece, it has a little bit of everything. You could never match Carey’s vocals in the shower, but that won’t stop you from trying.

Honorable Mention: Jingle Bells (Batman Smells) – The version you sang in third grade when you thought you were so clever, but really, children have been singing for generations.

Kudos to the prodigy that devised this parody (Yo Yo Ma?). It has been the delight of children everywhere.

Dishonorable Mention: It’s Cold Outside – Frank Sinatra, Dorothy Kirsten

No means no! And I say no to this song. Though it may be catchy, and it afforded Will Ferrell and Zooey Deschanel a lovely duet, this song espouses, at best, impolite actions, and, at worst, sexual misconduct.