Throughout North Atlanta’s history, the vending machines have instilled themselves as a staple in the student body’s culture, providing parched students with delicious fruity beverages at the cost of a little over two bucks. During a shared Journalism 2 class during our sophomore years – what up, Stenger! – we both became veritable juice enthusiasts. Despite good home training – thanks, mom and pop! – neither of us can stand water. So juice is our chosen elixir.
We’re juniors now, which means we are self-appointed “juice connoisseurs.” So, dear reader, we – Wire staffers John Underwood and Wilson Iwanicki – have gone on a thirst-quenching quest. We have rated the juices in the much-maligned vending machines. So, sit back, pop open an ice-cold Minute Maid, and enjoy the ride.
Minute Maid Apple Juice – An absolute staple in the juice game. Juice is what it is today because of the presence of Apple Juice. The only concern is the size of the bottle, as it is significantly smaller than most other vending machine options, but this isn’t much of a factor as the taste makes up for it. We love our Apple Juice. 9/10.
Minute Maid Orange Juice – There hasn’t been a day in our 17 years of life that we didn’t wake up and have a hankering for some good ol’ Orange Juice. A true veteran in the juice world, it would be disrespectful to give it anything less than a perfect ten. 10/10.
Vitamin Water “Forever You” Coconut Lime – This is what watered-down vomit in a bottle would taste like. When John tried this drink for the first time, it triggered a gag reflex in his body so strong that he started to roll around on the floor, screaming in agonizing pain. Willy didn’t survive. This drink may be healthy, but be warned, it will ruin your day. Also – not to quibble here, but – the color is trash. –100/10.
Minute Maid Wild Berry – WHAT A DRINK THIS IS. Yes, the quantity is one of the smallest in the school, but the amount of pure joy that races through our bodies when we drink this makes up for it. The drink’s color is also enjoyable, and the overall presentation of this product is very appealing. This drink is an absolute godsend. 10/10.
Coca-Cola YK3000 – Even though the bottle is cool, this drink is weird, and we don’t know who created it and why it was created. Okay, and what’s the deal with YK3000? Is this the drink of choice a thousand years from now in some post-apocalyptic hellscape? Is that what you’re saying, Coca-Cola? So, with that being said, we will stay far away from this wack drink. 5/10.
Minute Maid Peach – Okay: We’re biased, but we’re true homers, and we love us some peaches so, yup, Minute Maid: You had us at “peach.” For two men from Georgia, this is certainly a go-to refreshment. Words can’t describe our love for this masterpiece of a concoction. So maybe numbers can. 100000/10.
Minute Maid Berry Punch – Without a doubt a fitting name. The strong, sugary flavors punched us in the tastebuds. Pun Intended. There’s no two ways about it, this drink is “berry” good. 9/10.
Minute Maid Pink Lemonade/ Yellow Lemonade – These drinks are the same thing. The color does not change its solid and classic taste. 9.5/10 for both.
Mellow Yellow Zero – A staple in the vending machine. There’s enough caffeine in here to make an Egyptian mummy get up and start dancing. The North Atlanta vending machines would be nothing without this drink. 8.5/10.
Body Armor Mamba Energy – We get what they were trying to do here: honor a legendary figure in the basketball community. But overall, mid drink, if Kobe was still alive, I imagine he would be extremely disappointed. Do better. 5/10
Fanta Mystery – A sense of ambiguity drew us to consume this drink. The dark colors, the intriguing design, all signs pointed to a banger of a beverage. However, after an extensive review of its qualities, we hope that this mystery remains unsolved. 1/10
Body Armor Lyte Strawberry Lemonade – just like most Body Armor drinks, this one never disappoints.Two classic flavors combined into one bottle, what could go wrong? The answer? Nothing. 7/10
If we didn’t rate your favorite drink, or you didn’t see a drink on this list, we honestly probably forgot, or it’s a very average drink and doesn’t deserve to be rated. These ratings are correct, and nothing can and will be done to adjust them. Thank you, and goodnight.
